I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about how much our perspectives on life has changed. First, it made me happy that I’ve been able to change one woman’s life, to allow her to think differently, for herself, her kids and her family. I won’t share who it was because the only thing that matters to her and I and really to this story is that our lives are forever changed with a new (or maybe just reminded and cherished) lease on life. So, it got me thinking, others should think about this too, so I’ll share with you the things I think about as I go through this and the general background of our conversation without getting into specifics. Please remember, these are the thoughts in my head and my feelings, sometimes they are gibberish but hopefully the point is understood.
First, life is short. I know that is cliche and very predictable to say, but it’s the truth. You’ve probably said this out loud to others at some point in your life, but to put it into perspective for how I think about it, just yesterday I met Chris at 17, I started my career at 24, got married at 28, today I’m 38, time flew. And it flew by so fast that I lost track of all of the tiny little moments we’ve enjoyed over the years. Trips, dinners, experiences, etc - it’s all gone. I remember a lot of it, but what I now need to do is find ways to capture it - take more pictures, take more trips, enjoy more experiences, write it down and share it with others and most importantly not worry so much about what’s to come. As I go through this I’m trying to remind myself of that - this will be done and in the past soon enough. The heartache that I am putting my loved ones through, the shitty feelings/side effects of chemo, the countless jabs of a needle and anxiety of now will soon pass. All of this will be a distant memory and I’ll be beyond this and so will all of us. As quick as life moves, I’m reminding myself to embrace it all and most importantly to start to think about how this experience has given me the opportunity to re-think how I want to live my life from here on out (and it’s also given my friend that opportunity too).
For those that wonder how I am doing and check on me, I am doing good and truly happy! Yeah, you probably thinking I’m crazy for saying that, especially coming from a girl who has Cancer and is going through chemotherapy and has surgeries coming in the near distant future, plus probably a lifetime of doctors appointments to monitor this stupid thing (Cancer is stupid) but it’ll be gone in no time and I can go about my days being with the ones I love and that it was I’m trying to remember and hold onto - that is the lesson for today, tomorrow and all the days to come - that I am genuinely happy with my life. I appreciate it when someone thinks of me in their day to day, but what I appreciate more is that someone checks on Chris. What’s the most important thing to me (aside from getting better) is my relationship with my husband. My life is important and I cherish it, but in terms of tangible things I can feel, it’s him, he makes me happy; we’ve always told each other the goal of life is to just be happy - happy with ourselves as individuals, happy with our life, happy as a couple. This weekend we went for a ride in the Jeep, I cried tears of happiness because I was able to be with him, to feel fresh air on my face (and bald head 😂), and lastly (and short lived but its worth feeling and remembering) that I was going somewhere that wasn’t to a doctors appointment. Chris has been my rock through all of this (and so much more in life), not only is he physically doing 90% of our household upkeep, but he contributes to my mental state, the voice in my head, the only person I allow to see every side of me. He comes to every doctors appointment, holds my hand the entire way and continues to remind me what love is, what our life is about and how to enjoy being here, in our home, that we’ve built together. So, that little Jeep ride this weekend is a memory and feeling I will cherish forever and those are the things that truly make me/us happy. So, I say this to you because 1) I am doing good and I am still happy and 2) I just ask of you, when you think of me, think of Chris too because we are happy and know that this too will pass and be behind us!
So, all in all, that’s my schpeal for the day. Hopefully it allows you to slow down and think about how you want to live your life - ignoring others opinions of you, the craziness of this world we live in, or the next thing on your to do list - just allowing yourself to be happy. And to my friend who has continued to check on me, thank you for sharing with me, for taking care of me and for listening to me - I’m glad I’ve been able to be apart of your journey as well.
Lastly, to share updates about my Cancer, we met with Dr. Vandermolen today. He was pleased that the tumor can’t be measured anymore! So basically the chemo is breaking down the tumor, which is what we want. It’s not to say the Cancer is not there, but the chemo is breaking it down to the point that it is starting to dissolve, so we are making great progress and for that I’m grateful and happy. My first treatment with the new meds starts next Tuesday, 7/5, where more dissolving of this stupid Cancer will commence. For now, we probably won’t have any updates until next week - so enjoy your week and have a Happy 4th! 🎇🎆
Xo, all my love (and happiness to you),
Lauren
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