Friday, December 1, 2023.
It’s not always sunshine and rainbows over here. I am still so incredibly happy with my life and where we are at post treatment and surgeries, but some days (they are fewer than they were during treatment) something hits me and everything that has happened catches up to me and I have to take a minute to talk it out, cry it out, and write it out.
One of those days got me this past week. Like I said, I don’t get those days often, but when they come, they hit hard – the fear comes, the anger comes, the crying goes on and on - but I always find something that brings it back to a place of optimism, that silver lining that helps to bring me back to continuing to move forward.
First, grief. Grief that the old me is gone – how I felt, what I could do, what my mind could do, what my body could do – it’s all changed. A lot of the old me has come back, but there are still things that have not come back or will never come back, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to those things. Cancer comes quick and it gives you no time to mourn the loss of what you have; the only thing you can do is focus on staying alive. Now that most of me has come back, I feel like I’m finally able to think about the things I miss and grieve the loss of the things I know will never come back or won’t come back in the same way. I hate the grief, but it helps with the growth so I take it in strides.
Second, worries. It’s hard not to worry. As much as I know I am never guaranteed a tomorrow (and really no one is), the worry of cancer coming back doesn’t go away. It’s with me every day, some days it’s very vocal, other days its dull or non-existent. It reminds me of those red do not touch signs you’d see as a kid at a store that had pretty/expensive breakable things and all you wanted to do was touch what you weren’t supposed to touch, and one day you’d touch it because it just was staring at you and you couldn't resist any longer, but then you are in big trouble. I feel like some days there is this ‘do not touch’ sign on me and no one touches it because it says not to, but what if one day there’s that ‘kid’ that comes up to you and touches it? Then you know, you are in trouble. I feel like I’m that shiny object at a store with the ‘do not touch’ sign on me wishing and hoping that no kid comes up and touches my sign. Of course, this is just an analogy, but it’s always there, this worry gets bigger and smaller depending on how the day/week/month is going. I know that feeling will become smaller and smaller, and that do not touch sign will get smaller and smaller, but I just wish it wasn’t there at all. I can't wait until it doesn't exist and the store (me) is filled with everything you can touch.
Third, love. Marriage is so rewarding and fulfilling. It’s one of my proudest accomplishments, as an individual and for us as a couple. Through the feelings of grief and worries, there is this deep love that hits and reminds me how much I love. Love for this incredible man who has been by my side for 22 years runs far and wide. Love that I never want to go away, that I want to tell everyone about because it’s the best feeling in the world and that I squeeze Chris's hand for when it comes crashing down on me. I could tell him I love him over and over every day, which I do, but some days the feeling grows bigger and I love the fact that after 22 years it continues to grow in new ways. This week brought those big love feelings on top of grief and worry - balance they say is key, right?
So all of that grief, all of those worries and all of that love made for a week that felt bigger than others, but ultimately it’s okay because I am okay – I am alive, I am healthy and I am living. Plus, to wrap the week up strongly, I went to training this morning and I have graduated from 5lbs (I know, sounds small) to 8lbs (and up pretty close to 10lbs) on my left arm – the arm that can barely extend 180 degrees since surgeries and is what I am still going to physical therapy for. It’s progress and time and patience and I am so grateful that I get to work towards creating those milestones. And the fact that one of my friends at the gym told me my butt was back to where it was before cancer was the cherry on top of my graduation in weights!
Life is okay and I’m going to be okay and it’s my time to live happily ever after – so grief and worries, step aside – I’ve got a lot of love to give.
XO,
Lauren
